Marriage: Lessons Learned

My husband and I recently celebrated our 3 year anniversary. It doesn’t seem like 3 years is that long, but looking back we realized how much we have grown in the short period of time. Through a lot of trial and error, we were able to learn how to communicate effectively, how to grow our friendship, how to go above and beyond for the other person, but more importantly, how to love. These are some of the most valuable lessons that marriage has taught me.

COMMUNICATION

I think when an engaged couple seeks advice about relationships, the first thing that other couples tell them is to communicate. That’s probably because communication builds your relationship up the most. Also, not communicating is probably what will tear it down the most. Nik and I spent our dating and engagement phases at a distance. He lived in Washington state and I lived on the opposite side of the country in North Carolina, so most of our communication was online via text, messenger or FaceTime. When we got married and moved into our first 1 bedroom apartment in Portland, OR, we had a lot of adjustments to make on both sides. I learned quickly that God designed men and women differently and he designed their communication skills differently. When I got married I wanted for Nik to “read my mind” in a sense. I expected him to know when I was upset based on my facial and body expressions and I expected him to fix things without telling him what needed fixing. When Nik didn’t do that (because how could he?) I would get so upset thinking, “How could he not see that I’m upset?!” The truth is, I was lacking in communication skills and so was he. One day when I was upset about something, I told him, “Can’t you see that I’m upset and I need some help?” and he blatantly answered, “You could’ve just told me.” That’s when it hit me, as I stood there completely stunned at his response, that Nik doesn’t read minds and that’s OK…you know because he’s human.

This lesson of communicating taught me to just be straight with him when I need something or when something is bothering me. It has been one of the bricks in our relationship foundation. The important thing to remember when communicating to resolve issues is that your words matter. Don’t name call. Don’t downplay the issue. Don’t over exaggerate how it makes you feel. And always, always think, “How would I feel if my spouse said this to me.” Your tone of voice and word choices go a long way when it comes to conflict resolution.

Communication goes beyond conflict resolution. Communicating with your spouse also goes into encouragement. If you’re constantly telling your spouse what they’re doing wrong and what you don’t like, that will lead to problems as well. Tell your spouse when you see them excelling, ask your spouse what his goals are for the future and ask him what you can do to help him achieve those goals. As women, we hold a lot more power when it comes to the futures of our families and husbands than we lead on. There’s a Bible verse that always makes Nik and I laugh in Luke 14:

Still another said, “I just got married, so I can’t come.”

Luke 14:20

This is obviously taken out of context a little bit, but it makes us laugh because for whatever reason people think that when you get married, your life comes to halt. All of sudden your goals and dreams don’t matter because you’re married now and your entire life is about your spouse. When I got married, I was still finishing up college and if it wasn’t for Nik’s constant support and encouragement for me to finish, I may have quit before completing school. There were days that I was out of the house from 7:30 in the morning to 9:30 at night and that meant that Nik had to pick up the slack in cooking dinner, cleaning the apartment, letting me have Saturdays to finish homework etc. Likewise, Nik always wanted to start his own business and despite being worried about our stability, I encouraged him to do it. Even if it doesn’t succeed, I would rather him fail with me behind him than for him to tell me several years down the road, “I wish you didn’t stand in the way of my dream.” Yikes! That would hurt. Him working on his business means that sometimes, our baby is with me all day long because Nik needs time after his full time job to work on his business. It also means that sometimes “us” time is put on hold because he’s working and that’s OK. It’s OK because we talked about it. We discussed the sacrifices we would need to make and each other’s expectations during this time. It’s not always going to be 50/50, sometimes it’s 75/25 and sometimes it can even be 0/100 and that’s the reality of it.

Talk to your spouse about everything. Your spouse should be the person that knows you as much as or even more than you know yourself because you should always be learning about each other’s likes, dislikes, each other’s past and each other’s expectations for the future. Learning to communicate in a marriage will make or break your relationship.

FRIENDSHIP IS KEY

Something that I think helped Nik and I get together is that we were very close friends before we fell in love. Nik and I met each other at a youth conference in Washington state in 2014 and started dating in 2016. Those two years before we started dating we were seeing other people and we talked with each other every once in a while as friends. It was nice because when he came to visit me in NC for the first time after we started dating, we skipped the awkward “getting to know you” phase where couples ask each other about their birthdays and favorite colors 🙂 We already knew a lot about each other and even had a lot of inside jokes, so dating him was easy. I never felt like I was trying to be someone I wasn’t and he was himself with me. It’s a little cliché, but I did really marry my best friend. When something happens in my life, Nik is the first person I want to share it with. Having your spouse as your best friend doesn’t allow there to be a third party who will know more about you than your spouse does. Sure, you can have other friends and you should, but your spouse needs to be your number one, even in friendship. It always makes me laugh when a couple starts dating and one of them says, “my best friend has to approve you for this to work.” Why?! Will your best friend be living with you when you get married? Probably not. The other excuse I’ve heard in the past is, “My best friend has been there longer.” Maybe they have, but again, if you’re looking at a future with someone, what does your best friend have anything to do with it. It’s so much better and easier when you truly marry your best friend because after that everything else gets easier like communicating, making plans and goals, growing together etc. You have to like someone to love them long term and befriending them is a great way to do that.

ACTS OF KINDNESS LAST LONGER THAN FLOWERS

I am someone who loves to receive flowers or little gifts. Growing up, I always wanted my husband to give me flowers all the time. Don’t get me wrong, Nik gives me flowers every once in a while, usually on a holiday and while I love receiving them, I realize now that the things he does on a regular basis are so much better than flowers. Little acts of kindness like offering to wash the dishes because I cooked, or going to the grocery store so I don’t have to, or washing my car for me go so much farther than the bouquet of flowers that wilts in a week or two. After 3 years of marriage I am thankful that Nik does little acts of kindness for me on a daily basis than gets me new flowers every week. It’s special to me that he sees my needs before I cater to them myself.

LOVE GROWS

I always tell Nik something that if a bystander heard, they would feel bad for Nik. I always tell him, “I realize now that I didn’t love you when we were dating or engaged.” I know it sounds harsh. The truth is, after 3 years of marriage, I realized that my “love” for Nik back then was all about missing him because he lived so far away. It was more of an infatuation with him than love. When you live with someone you see their little quirks, you see them at their best AND their worst, you see them when they’re all dressed up and when they haven’t showered. When you stay with them every day despite everything, that’s love. When you’re willing to work on your issues for their sake and not your own, that’s love. Infatuation is blind, but love is all-seeing and every time you overcome bigger obstacles or achieve a huge goal with your spouse, that love grows more and more. Love doesn’t break when things get real; instead, it strengthens and encourages. And when your love is founded on God’s love for you because you start to understand that you’re a sinner married to a sinner and you need God, that love grows even more. Love isn’t about you and your feelings; instead it’s about the other person and what you can do for them. Love is a verb.

God has truly created a beautiful union when he created marriage. Marriage is work, hard work even, and if you’re willing to show up every day and put in the work, marriage is amazing. There is nothing better than living with someone who means the world to you and starting a family with that person. I can’t wait for the years ahead, the good, the bad and the ugly, it’s all going to be amazing in the long run.