As young women, we dream of one-day meeting “the one.” I know I did. As a teen and even a young adult, I couldn’t help but imagine,
“Who will my husband be?”
“How will we meet?”
“Have I already met him?”
“What will it be like to be in love, true love?”
I didn’t date in high school. This actually wasn’t difficult for me, mostly because the boys I went to high school with showed very little interest in me. I knew from a young age, (or perhaps it was just fear of my parents’ rules) that if I was going to be dating someone, it would be with the full intent of getting married to that person. When I started college, I felt that I was ready to start dating if the opportunity presented itself, but I had standards and high ones at that. Actually, a few men told me that my “standards were impossible” or my “standards were too high” like it was a bad thing. I didn’t think it was a bad thing at all. My standards for my boyfriend and future spouse didn’t revolve around his looks or the amount of money in his wallet. My standards revolved around his heart, his spirituality, and his potential to love me wholly despite my own faults. I wanted to date and eventually marry a man who loved Jesus more than he would ever love me.
Some of us women fall quickly. We are daydreamers and we love to make up the scenarios of love in our heads. Unfortunately, sometimes, those dreams and desires lead us to trouble when a man seeks our attention. We ignore some major red flags in the spirit of love and in the spirit of not giving up and fighting for what we want. The truth is, we need to be very wise because the person we are dating could potentially be our partner for life! With those pink-colored glasses on, the man you’re dating seems like Prince Charming despite some very major red flags. I have outlined the top 10 red flags that young, Christian women need to look out for when they’re dating or getting ready to.
- He’s Not a Believer- If you’re a believer and a nonbeliever asks you out, it should be a solid no. No amount of “I’ll-change-for-you’s” or “Maybe-you-can-teach-me-about-your-religion’s” or “You’re-so-different’s” should tell you it’s ok to date a non-believer. You will not change a person, only God can do that. As a believer, your main standard and your highest standard in dating is to have a man that leads you to Jesus. A nonbeliever cannot do that. Two people of different paths in life will not work, despite the one or two success stories you may have heard. Think of it this way: if you’re standing on a chair, and someone is standing on the floor, is it easier for you to lift up the person from the floor or for the person to bring you down from the chair? It is way easier for the other person to bring you down. Likewise, in a relationship between a believer and a nonbeliever, it is way easier for the non-believer to bring down the believer than vice versa. Say no. If the person is serious about becoming a believer, you should be able to see that, whether or not you are in their life.
- Theological Differences- Maybe the man you’re dating is a believer (that’s great!), now is a good time to discuss your Theological understanding. The truth is, some people, although identifying as Christian, have a completely different idea of Christian life than you might. I know, it’s weird, right? We all read the same Bible, so you would think we would all have the same idea of Christian life, but it doesn’t happen that way. Not only that, but there are different denominations of Christianity. Date the man that is of your “kind” if you will. The reason this is important is again, you’re dating to be married. Let’s say you got married and had kids. Will the kids be raised in your denomination, with your understanding of Christianity or your spouse’s? Is it even fair or right to choose? That’s a big deal for a believer. Especially if the differences in your theological understanding are in regards to salvation!
- Spiritual Conversations- If you’re constantly finding yourself to be the one initiating Biblical conversations, or conversations about God, this is a red flag. Call me old fashioned, but I believe a man is the head of the family and as the head, it is his responsibility to initiate family Bible reading time, prayer time, or spiritual conversations. Believe it or not, this starts in dating. If you find yourself in a relationship where God is never discussed unless you are the one to bring it up, think about where your significant other is in his walk with God and how he can possibly lead you (and eventually your family) spiritually.
- The History of the Person You’re Dating is Shady- Maybe you heard a rumor that the guy you’re dating has cheated in the past or was terrible to his last girlfriend. Take everything with a grain of salt, but also, verify. The truth is, you can only truly believe the source of a rumor if it comes from the person in question directly. Use wisdom with this one. Don’t be the person on the first date that acts as an FBI agent, trying to get the latest deets. But if the person you’re dating is constantly dodging the question of his past and not opening up about it, that’s a red flag. The last thing you want is to find out the rumors were true after you’re married. The fact is, if you’re dating, you think you’re ready for marriage. If you’re ready for marriage, you better be ready to talk, a lot, because communication in marriage is the single most important thing. You should be ready to talk about everything including your past no matter how dodgy. Not only will deep conversations teach you to communicate, but they are a great way to build trust!
- Parental Approval- Ah, parents. As teens, we think of a time when we can finally make our own choices without our parents, but sadly, who you date, adult or not should still have the parental stamp of approval. This doesn’t only apply to your parents, but his parents as well. Remember again, dating is for marriage. If you marry a man, you marry his family. His family is your family and your family becomes his. This was an awesome adjustment for me because I gained some amazing parents and some pretty neat siblings. The truth is, your parents know better because they did the whole marriage thing. Listen to your parents and listen to their guidance!
- Lack of Respect- If you want to know someone really well, go out with them to a restaurant. The way a person treats the waiter or the people around him will tell you everything you need to know about how that person will treat you when the pink glasses come off and reality sets in. If you are constantly catching your significant other making fun of people or making others feel beneath him whether it’s to their face or to just to you, that would be a red flag. One day when you’re married and reality sets in, you’ll be the object of his oppression and it will not make you feel good.
- “I’m the Man, and God Says I’m in Charge”- If you ever hear your boyfriend say these words, run…fast. That man is using a power play and misusing scripture to do it. Also, if you end up marrying this type of man, you are potentially opening the door to emotional and mental abuse and possibly even physical. First of all, let’s make one thing clear, God does not appoint men to be superior to women (a common misconception). Genesis 1:26-27 says that both, men and women are created in the image of God, establishing our value as equal. If you are a human, you are valuable to God, no matter your gender, race, or nationality. “But Ksen,” you may ask, “what about all those verses in the Bible that say that women must be submissive to men?” Actually, there are no verses that say all women have to be submissive to all men. When the Bible talks about women being submissive or subject to men, the topic is talked about between a husband and wife, not a man and woman, not a boyfriend and girlfriend. This was a concept that was so hard for me to grasp when I was entering into marriage. My husband, Nik, and I had a lot of conversations about our understanding of this when we were approaching our wedding day. I told him that I trusted him to make big decisions for our family, even if they’re not the decisions I would have made. Even now, three years into our marriage, there are times when my ego and my desire to be right get in the way of me being subject to my husband. That’s when I pray. I don’t pray for God to change Nik’s mind, so he agrees with me; instead, I pray that God will change my mind, so I can see things from Nik’s perspective. Also, in all our 3 years of marriage, Nik has never made me feel like my opinion didn’t matter just because I am a wife or because I am a woman. He ALWAYS listens to what I have to say when he’s making a decision for our family, even if he doesn’t agree with it and I love and appreciate that. Yes, the Bible clearly spells out that in marriage wives must be submissive to their husbands. The Bible also clearly paints examples of what it means for a husband to be the head of the family and for a man to be the “head” of the church. The image is painted in the metaphorical relationship of Christ (the groom) and his church (the bride). Although the commandment for wives to be subject to their husbands is something written all the way from the book of Genesis, I personally love the example of it in Ephesians chapter 5. Ephesians 5:22 says, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ also is the head of the Church.” When we look at submission in this verse from a world view, we see the quote above “I am the man and God says I’m in charge.” That is the world’s way of thinking when it comes to a wive’s submission to her husband. A little further down we see the Biblical version of what it means to be the head of your wife. Ephesians 5:25 reads, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” How did Christ love his church? He sacrificially lived his life, eventually sacrificing it completely for the church. THAT’S the role of the husband. That’s a big deal for a man! Also remember, eventually, the head of your family will come before God and give an accounting to Him about his decisions. So, until you are married, your boyfriend is not “in charge” of you and he most certainly is not the “head” of your relationship. The only “head” in your life as a single girl is your dad. And you can tell your power-hungry boyfriend to take it up with him if he has a problem with it 🙂
- He’s Always Pushing Your Boundaries- As believers, but also as women, we have to set boundaries for ourselves when it comes to relationships, specifically physical boundaries. A red flag gets raised when your boundaries are constantly being pushed and you’re feeling forced into something you don’t really want to do. There is a degree of respect that comes with that as well. A man who respects you will respect the boundaries that you have set for yourself.
- No Idea of the Future- I believe that when you begin dating for marriage, you should be old enough and mature enough to have some sort of plan for life. The same goes for your significant other. Ask your boyfriend what his plans are for life. Is he going to college? If not, what does he want to do? How do you tie into those plans? What is he doing to accomplish those goals? You get the idea.
- You’re Not Ready- The main purpose of this post was to show you that you shouldn’t date unless you’re ready for a lifelong commitment. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you should start talking marriage on your first date, but I believe it’s important to have commitment in the back of your mind from the first date. If you’re looking for specific qualities in a man, you need to ask yourself, “what qualities am I bringing to the table?” This post is written from a female perspective, but men also have their own set of red flags to look out for. Do you have any of the red flags outlined here? If so, maybe you’re not ready for marriage or for dating.
Starting to date is so exciting and new, but we need to show wisdom and grace throughout the whole process. Even though dating and getting to know your significant other is a lot of fun and we should enjoy that season of our life, we want to date to eventually get married, so we should approach it with the same seriousness as we would approach marriage. Remember, the person you marry is going to be in your life until death and God-willing that is going to be a long time. You don’t want to go through life with someone that constantly puts you down, doesn’t have any regard for your opinion or doesn’t love you with the unconditional love of Jesus. Spend your single years and your years before you’re ready to date in prayer for your future spouse, but also in prayer that God will give you wisdom when your time comes. Prepare your life and your heart first, then open it up to a potential significant other.
